One night, my boyfriend dreamt he kissed Scarlett Johansson.
That made him happy for the entire next day. It was, he said,
extremely hot. He doesn’t know it yet, but that dream was all
about me. Let me tell you the reasons. First of all, Scarlett
Johansson and I have the same exact birthday, except hers
is in November and mine is in May. Also, Scarlett Johansson,
just like me, would never dream of dating anyone under thirty.
That is, she only goes out with men at least nine years older
than she is. It even says so on her Wikipedia entry, and
when I told my boyfriend this, he said, well then, maybe
he’d have a chance with her. Thirdly, when I showed my
boyfriend the first love poem I ever wrote for him, he said
it was really good, for someone who had never written
a poem before in their life. And when he asks me, Why
are you so sexy? Can you tell me that? The answer is
that I want to bear his children, but I wouldn’t say that,
because I’m a Rules girl, and besides, isn’t it just obvious?
Scarlett Johansson is the sexiest woman in the world.
According to The Rules, we do not date married men:
Why would we want to do that to ourselves? Well,
let me tell you, when it comes to his wife, I could beat her
in a Scarlett Johansson contest, hands down. Right
before we broke up, I dreamt I was about to make love
to someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. The moment
he penetrated, I was transformed. I was Scarlett, and I knew
that I had been right all along. If only someone had listened.