Last night I had a long winding dream. Lately my dreams often have this really odd quality like I’m having a conversation with myself, or someone, but this one was more the normal narrative thing. Somewhere in the beginning I had to swim a long way in the ocean. I was swimming along a shoreline but very far out, and I think there was some danger of drowning, scary, though through the rest of the dream after I got out it was no big deal. I don’t remember how I got out, but then I had these spots on my legs. Later in the dream I was using the bathroom and one of the spots exploded and all these tiny insects were crawling on me. I was disturbed. I spent the rest of the dream in some sort of hotel place going from dorm to dorm looking for the right place to take a shower. I had this very specific shower I wanted to take, a certain sequence. But then I realized that, the whole time I was looking to take the shower, I didn’t actually need it anymore, because the bugs were already gone.
I did not think I would ever be happy. I did not think I could ever be happy. I was sure I would and could never be happy. I was wrong, but then again I was not wrong. I did not know what happy meant. I thought happy was the opposite of sad. It is true that I will never be the opposite of sad. But then again, why would I want to be? I cannot conceive of what the opposite of sad would be, but the idea of it is very disturbing. I have a hard time with the idea of opposite, as well. The real happy, which is not the opposite of sad, is the opposite of opposite. I am overwhelmed. I become transparent. For moments at a time, I can actually see that there is no boundary between me and other people. It is as if all the air between me and you is sucked out in a vacuum and I can really see you, in high definition. It is even more than that, because there is no me and no you but only the thing that we both are, and I am not talking about a philosophical idea, I tell you I can really feel this, it is fuzzy and glowing and sharp, and I tell you that this feeling is the greatest joy I have ever known. I am not talking about a religion, but religion means something different to me now, because I cannot help but worship. I want to worship. I need to worship. I sing. I move. I pray. All these words are just words and yet they are more than that. My life is just my life and yet it is more than that. It was not until after I had given up that I realized that giving up was faith. I want to tell you, oh I want to tell you so much, I would do anything to tell you. All you have to do to change the world is be in it. All it takes to be in the world is leaving it. All it takes to live is to die. This is not a riddle.