the habit of being

Well, there was this nurse…

When I watch sex scenes in movies I barely even notice there’s a man in the screen. I used to think this meant I was gay. Now I’m more inclined to believe it means I appreciate beauty. The pigeon is attacking my roses.
If I were to fly into your life this second would you embrace me or run away screaming? You know I would never leave. A million days and lies and miles couldn’t free you. Or no. I am the trapped one. I kiss my invisible chains each morning and growl at the sun I’m not seeing across your back. Sleep forever.

Auburn I.

BOREDOM Jennifer thinks her pretty friend is brilliant. sigh. maybe I could get her (pretty friend not jenny) shot.
James is sending me Tool MP3s. See how fun and exciting my life is?
I went to the movies today. Exiting mi casa is a huge deal. I saw Shakespeare in Love and drooled over Gwyneth Paltrow. It was an excellent movie. yaddayadda. Soon I shall see Elizabeth. I’ve already seen Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line. I’m missing a best picture nominee. or two. Mission!
I made chocolate pudding. All by myself. I’m so impressive. All of my internet friends were impressed, and they couldn’t even experience the intense yumminess.
Round and round we go. Where we’ll stop, nobody knows.

MUSIC Such was the extent of my boredom that I made a list of my music. I have a very shallow musical ocean I’m afraid. anyone want to send me cds?

Katharine’s Horribly Small CD Collection
1. Tori Amos / Little Earthquakes
2. Tori Amos / Boys for Pele
3. Tori Amos / Under the Pink
4. Tori Amos / From the Choirgirl Hotel
5. Bauhaus / 1979-1983 volumes one and two
6. Cure / Wish
7. Ani DiFranco / Dilate
8. Ani DiFranco / Living in Clip
9. Ani DiFranco / Little Plastic Castle
10. Hole / Pretty on the Inside
11. Nine Inch Nails / Pretty Hate Machine
12. Siouxsie and the Banshees / Once Upon a Time
13. Siouxsie and the Banshees / The Rapture
14. The Sisters of Mercy / First and last and Always
15. The Sisters of Mercy / Floodland
16. The Sisters of Mercy / Vision Thing
17. The Sisters of Mercy / A Slight Case of Overbombing
18. Switchblade Symphony / Serpentine Gallery
19. Switchblade Symphony / Bread and Jam for Francis
20. Cowboy Junkies / 200 More Miles
21. Various / Gothic Rock 2
22. Various / Undead (british gothic rock comp.) volumes 1-3
23. Various / Soundtrack from Stealing Beauty
24. Michael Nyman / Soundtrack from The Piano
25. Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, etc / Highlights from Phantom of the Opera
26. Dvorak / Symphony No. 9, Carnival Overture, and Slovic Dances 1 & 2 (conducted by Leonard Bernstein)
27. Gershwin / Rhapsody in Blue, An American in Paris, etc. (conducted by Lorin Maazal and Arthur Fiedler)

and her also horribly small tape collection
(random order)
1. Rickie Lee Jones / Pirates
2. BoDeans / Hope & Love & Sex & Dreams
3. Bonnie Raitt / Luck of the Draw
4. Janis Joplin / Greatest Hits
5. J. S. Bach / Toccata & Fugue in D minor, Fantasia and Fugue in G minor, etc.
6. Tori Amos / Amy’s favorites
7. Dixie Dregs / Night of the Living Dregs, etc (bootleg)
8. Dire Straits / ?
9. Ed Van Fleet / Oceans
10. Various / my grandfather’s nifty old country music
11. Pachelbel / Canon
12. Various & Amy Ketchum / a gift from miss amy
13. Smashing Pumpkins / Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
14. Martin Davich and a couple others / ER: Original Television Theme and Score
15. Various / Songs from Friends
16. Cowboy Junkies, Marti Jones / mixtape
17. Cowboy Junkies, Lyle Lovett / mixtape
18. Alanis Morissette / Jagged Little Pill
19. Various / Soundtrack from Dirty Dancing
20. Various / Goth Mix #1 (mathieu)

I bought a bunch of that during my goth stage. Obviously. wow look how much space that took up!

ONCE The weekend of January 31st, I was not sitting at home being bored as I am this weekend. Let us regress.
okay. Saturday my mother spilled coffee on me. This happened on the way to my GHP interview - during which I received an m&m and soon after which I got soaked walking to the student center in the rain (this was at Clayton College and State University). my interviewers were two very perky ladies who may very well have thought I was idiotic but hid it well enough to prevent me from having an anxiety attack. One of them (the one who gave me the m&m) asked me about my trip up and I related my adventures in fast food restaurant bathrooms attempting to dry my coffee-soaked skirt with the tree-saving hand drier things. Before the interview I was taken to two other rooms. In room number one I wrote an essay and in room number two I read some poems and short passages from various novels which were typed on bright blue paper (the passages not the novels from which they were taken). My favorite of these is from The Chosen by Chaim Potek -

Life is nothing more than a blink of the eye when measured against eternity. There is so much pain in the world; what does it mean to have to suffer so much when life is nothing more than the blink of an eye.
A blink of an eye is in itself nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing, but a man who lives that span; he is something. For he can fill that span with meaning so that its quality is immeasurable, even though it’s quantity may be insignificant.
It is hard work to fill one’s life with meaning. Meaning is not automatically given to life. But a life full of meaning is worthy of rest. And I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here.

it seems I have no skill when it comes to writing things in correct sequence. where was I? getting soaked? Yes, well, I got rained on and it was cold outside. I got lost trying to find the student center which prolonged my time in the cold wetness but I did finally locate the building and my mother and then the car and after much difficulty the way out of Morrow..
We went on to Atlanta and went shopping at Phipp’s Plaza and Lenox Square.
I bought two books (Thus Spoke Zarathustra/Nietzsche and Narcissus and Goldmund/Hesse) and two cds. This was still Saturday. We stayed in the Ritz-Carlton that night. It’s oh so nice. Nicer than the Marriott even (!!!). We watched a pay-per-view movie and had room service for dinner. They had creme brulee, my favorite dessert. I got dark chocolate from the turndown lady too. It was amazing. Indeed, indeed. I have a hotel fetish.
okay. sleep. next day. Sunday. It was once again rainy and icky outside. We decided not to come home (who can blame us? it was positively dreary. no one needs to spend four hours on an interstate in such weather when they could be in Atlanta). So, we went shopping again. I bought a yummy grey skirt from the Betsey Johnson store at Lenox Square. The lady working there complimented me on my necklace, which I had made only a few days earlier from some beads which were my grandmother’s. I think I may have been a bit quick to inform her that I made it myself but I doubt she noticed this. She was busy counting the stack of bills I’d given her for the grey skirt. My stepfather later informed me that said grey skirt looks like underwear but I’m willing to forgive. It’s that 80 dollar underwear, you know. We stayed in the Marriott Sunday night and watched the Super Bowl. Oh the poor Falcons. I think that may have been the first time I ever watched an entire football game. We ordered room service supper again (no creme brulee, alas).
more sleep. You’ll never guess what we did Monday… went shopping. I got a shirt to go with the grey skirt. Then we drove home. The grand total was about 700 bucks… in two days! We’re terrible. But that’s pretty impressive, eh? Most of that money was for the hotel rooms. I used my new credit card for the first time. I felt so special. I came home very very broke.
I bought Valentine-making supplies (a pink calligraphy pen and heart stickers and such) that weekend too, but never got around to making any Valentines. I’m sorry I didn’t send you a Valentine. I meant to. It was going to be the most beautiful Valentine ever.