the habit of being

Katharine on her childhood:
When I was little my mother took me with her to AA meetings. She was part of the young peoples’ group. I sat at a little table with Ross and Marlon and drew pictures, I handed out chips to people. and I knew the serenity prayer. I always thought it was something everyone knew. and then I forgot it.
My father used to work at a gas station in Athens. When I’d go visit him he’d give me this green graph paper to draw on. and I remember standing outside watching those big feathery car wash things. i remember I had a pink flamingo shirt that I loved a whole lot back then. I wore it to Athens once and tied it in a knot at my waist and I wore all these necklaces and he said I looked really fancy or something. I was embarrassed.
Mom said I only went to that gas station once… and I was three or four.. wow.. I didn’t know I could remember back that far..

Katharine on Jenny Sunshine:
When Jennifer was here I’d look at her and think she wasn’t really there. I thought I’d just created her to be my friend. She didn’t seem real, but I knew she was. It was odd. I miss her.

Katharine on reality:
I don’t know what I’m like in real life. I haven’t gotten there yet.

Katharine on internet friendships:
yeah, I emailed her, which I will continue to do until she writes me back, and then she will go to my site and think I’m wonderful because I can make pretty graphics, and then she’ll be my friend and I’ll go visit her. doesn’t that sound great? I’m really excited.

Katharine on webpages:
I never said anything about content. I can’t do content. It’s too hard.
I don’t want a website with a theme.

Katharine on online journaling:
I don’t want to write about you. although I almost included part of this email I wrote you but never sent. but then I took it out because you would read it and know it was about you. and if I’d wanted you to read it I wouldn’t have not sent it. or something like that.

Katharine on herself:
I’ve always tried to tell myself that there is so much to me that no one else can see. This makes sense in relation to people at school because no one there ever talks to me; of course they wouldn’t see me as anything other than just some girl. I thought that by being online so much I’d corrected a lot of this, because I do talk to people. I do write a lot, but it seems like I never -say- anything I’m always saying I want someone to understand me, but no one will ever understand anything about me I don’t explain. If I can’t explain it, or at least somehow make it’s existence evident, there’s such a big possibility that it isn’t there at all, and all the depth I want to believe I have is just not real.

Those are all from my ICQ history file with James. around November and December. I’m ditzy, don’t you think?

I’ve made big Scrabble advances today. I beat my mother three times in a row and I improved my high scrore and I made two eight letter words. I’ll be a good Scrabble player before long.

One if my eight letter words was ‘dreaming’.