the habit of being

I love it, getting there. How it spreads in circles through me and I’m so amazed at the feeling. it’s different than any other feeling could ever be. Almost pleasure almost pain. is this ecstasy? I don’t think so. I think I’d know ecstasy when I got there. but soon enough I can feel it even in my feet and on my face and in every corner of my body. but the twitching starts afterwards and i no longer feel in control so i just start over again. I can’t hold on to it. I have to let go

It seems so much more pleasurable in hindsight. so much better sitting in a classroom somewhere. i see my body overcome by some force unseen really and such a thing seems impossible then. so it must be the most wonderful thing in the world. that feeling I cannot really remember when it’s over. i cannot even imagine. I just know it’s possible and i can’t get there at the time. because I’m locked up. what i can’t have must be the most wonderful

I could start with a week and work up. to forever. there are other things i could do. I could read I could draw I could WRITE. I could write for real. write poems write stories. become enlightened move to vienna be a turndown lady be a country singer be a porn star be a lover be not a virgin be not a computer girl i could become real. I need to get out of here. start at a week and work up. keep thinking that way

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: sisyphus@phreebyrd.com
Sent: Wednesday, March 31, 1999 8:40 PM

>please tell me things. I need to be told things.
so many many things

—– Original Message —–

From: velvet ragdoll
To: Katharine
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 3:25 AM

Subject: tell me things.

>
>find face. integrate image.
>
>you’re trying to paint an intimate portrait of yourself …
>
>it’s difficult because you’re always changing
>
>and you can’t paint fast enough …
>
>sis
>

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: velvet ragdoll
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 8:17 AM

Subject: Re: tell me things.

>how do you know?
>
>
>where do I get more time or more paint?
>

v—– Original Message —–

From: velvet ragdoll
To: Katharine
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 10:42 AM

Subject: face paint

>
>you slow down …
>
>the paint is inside you …
>
>it is silver.
>
>sis
>

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: velvet ragdoll
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 11:40 AM

Subject: Re: face paint

>why silver?
>

—– Original Message —–

From: velvet ragdoll
To: Katharine
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 11:46 AM

Subject: Re: face paint

>
>why not?
>
>:)
>

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: velvet ragdoll
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 11:48 AM

Subject: Re: face paint

>
>when I was little I had a stuffed unicorn with a silver horn
>it was very scary at night
>I put it outside my door
>

—– Original Message —–

From: velvet ragdoll
To: Katharine
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 2:04 PM

Subject: Re: face paint

>
>did it protect you?
>

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: velvet ragdoll
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 2:52 PM

Subject: Re: face paint

>no it just scared me
>I had regular horses for protection
>old pal and blue pal
>
>

—– Original Message —–

From: velvet ragdoll
To: Katharine
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 4:10 PM

Subject: Re: face paint

>stick with the horses then!
>
>;)
>

—– Original Message —–

From: Katharine
To: velvet ragdoll
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 1999 7:49 PM

Subject: Re: face paint

>I still have them both.
>
>everyone thinks they are lambs though.
>
>silly people.
>
>
>